The Shrapnel from Anger Lasts A Long Time
Since releasing our first blog “War Didn’t Kill My Soul. Society Did” in late November, we put out a Q&A to ask what you wanted to hear about from At War With Myself. There were a number of topics fed back to us which we’re really looking forward to covering, but the most requested of all was a blog around ‘Anger’. We hope you enjoy reading it and look forward to hearing your comments.
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“A quick temper will make a fool of you soon enough”, the wise words of Bruce Lee and words I’m sure we can all relate to at one time or another, casting our mind back to that time we said/did something that we instantly regretted. It’s an emotion I know well and one which I often challenge people to show me a positive biproduct of. I’m often told it can be positive, but personally I can’t help feel it’s a confusion of the emotions present in that given moment. A common example I get offered is a fight. “If I hate or get angry at my opponent, I can channel that and use it to win”, the problem is I don’t think it is hate or anger. It’s caring. My response is understandably challenged, “how could I care about someone I’m fighting?” It’s not necessarily the individual, but you do care about losing, personal pride, respect, dare I say it your ego and all the other values you place intrinsically on that fight. Nobody is ever angry about something they don’t care about. Anger is the last form of caring, the only positive product from it.
According to the American Psychological Association (APA), “Anger is an emotion characterised by antagonism toward someone or something you feel has deliberately done you wrong.” Based on this definition it’s fair to suggest that our emotion of anger is in fact a response to the values and beliefs we choose to hold being broken. Like the Grenade in the At War With Myself emblem, when our values are infringed, the pin can easily be pulled to let the violator know they have wronged. The question is at what price, how much frag are you going to catch from your anger?
Sometimes it’s hard for us to understand our own anger, let alone other peoples. It can be enacted from a line being crossed in regard to our values and beliefs, but it can also be an indicator of other challenges. Anger’s a common trait found with individuals who are depressed or even anxious, but rarely do we associate anger with these conditions. As we’ve long had stigma around mental health, we also need to break down the stereotypes surrounding these individual areas. Depression doesn’t mean someone cries all the time, anxiety doesn’t mean a relentless string of panic attacks, just the same way someone who’s happy doesn’t have to be walking around laughing all the time. Signs and symptoms differ by individual, if we open up our minds to looking at a change in behaviour as a whole, we’ll all be much better at noticing when something’s not right with our friends and loved ones.
I’ve often found our expression of anger a little bit ironic, harsh words thrown around carelessly and perhaps at the more extreme end, fists thrown. Despite our best efforts, it’s usually only us that really feels this anger, a lot more than the person we’re trying to inflict it against. That tightness in your chest, the pit in your stomach and the gritting of your teeth. The person or thing that’s angered us doesn’t get any of that, and they’re just the effects in the moment.
Excessive anger can go on to cause significant physical problems. In the short term it can lead to headaches, migraines, chest pain and other physical ailments, which may not seem particularly dramatic, but with the introduction of this physical ailments what is then the wider effect on your mental health and life as a result? Do you do your best work with a migraine? Does your partner love being around you when you can’t focus due to pain inflicted by your own emotions? Without wanting to turn this into a medical bulletin, the long term physical changes associated with increased anger are particularly concerning. An increased risk of hypertension, cardiovascular issues and even stroke. After everything you’ve just read, please remind me, how is your anger sending a message to someone else?
The physical cost of anger is dear, but the mental cost perhaps dearer and worse yet, the good parts of life it could cost you. The rash words or decisions that can’t be undone, that then become intertwined with guilt or shame and quickly descends towards depression. A downward spiral that you would struggle to argue, isn’t self inflicted. For many in the Veteran community in particular, I think it’s easy to lean on anger as a so called defence mechanism or distraction, but actually it’s a big alarm bell of unresolved events. For as long as we’re angry we think people can’t get close enough to see what we’re dealing with, they also can’t get close enough to hurt us, but it’s also a great way to ignore what’s going on with our wider emotions. I have this loud emotion I can use to stamp out the noise from all the rest. How’s that working out for you?
The best analogy I’ve come across for negative emotions is an empty glass. When I heard it for the first time, it was a huge epiphany in the pursuit of “what’s wrong with me?” and can be applied to any negative emotion. Think of every time something happens to you or your values are infringed, this is the equivalent of adding water to the glass. Sometimes it’s just a little splash, other times it could be a full pint, but every time it’s going in the same glass. Eventually the glass starts to fill faster than we can empty it, assuming we’ve even tried to empty it. When we reach this explosive state the glass is full, it’s overflowing. Each episode becomes a significant flash of anger bigger than the last, usually completely disproportionate to what’s happened. We’ve run out of the ability to sustain any more of that emotion. We can’t just bottle it up anymore. And so it flows out; messy, avoiding nothing and drowning everything in its path.
The worst excuse I’ve heard for anger, is those who fall back on their service or what’s happened in their life. Life can be a bitch and to an extent your reaction to those events is normal, but if you’re honestly going to suggest your behaviour is as a result of a traumatic event you haven’t dealt with, is it really fair to point the finger of blame at others? This doesn’t mean that there’s no empathy towards your situation, but it’s also not an excuse to be a dick. The swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung put it well, “We are not what happened to us, we are what we wish to become”. Stop playing the victim card, your behaviour is in your control, take ownership and don’t be your own worst enemy.
Nobody is suggesting we can reach a utopian state where you never feel anger, in fact it would probably be just as concerning as what we’re discussing here, but we should have the knowledge and understanding of our emotions, to know when the glass needs emptying. Educate yourself on you, what are the combat indicators of your anger? What do you look or feel like when you’re reaching boiling point? We cannot always control who lines up with or conforms to our values, you can however control your reaction to those who compromise them. Your code is just that, yours.
So you know how to identify when the red mist is descending, how can you get a grip of it? Like most things in life there’s no one size fits all, but here’s some things worth noting and seeing if they work for you.
- Pause. If anger is something you’re really struggling to handle and you know explosive outbursts are likely, take a break. Remove yourself from the situation so you can avoid shooting from the hip and saying or doing things that you can’t take back. Once that initial rage has passed, go back to the situation with a fresh head on.
- Speak. Simply letting the tension out of you can sometimes be enough. Talking to a friend, family member, colleague or even a professional. It’s emptying that glass. It can be hard, but with someone you trust you can process and let go of a lot of things you’ve been keeping inside.
- Forgive. It comes back to the point of who really feels your anger? Holding things against someone is probably only going to impact you in the long run. Refusing to forgive will likely mean you’re carrying all that negative energy with you. It’s going to muddy the positive things you encounter and impact your mindset to start viewing a lot of life as a negative. The power of forgiveness is significant and can teach both parties lessons.
- Meditate. This doesn’t have to mean legs crossed and banging out some “Ommmm” noises. Meditation literally means focussing of the mind. It could just be listening to some music with your eyes closed, yoga, guided mindfulness exercises or even art like writing or drawing, really the list is endless but it’s bringing your mind back to right here, right now. It doesn’t work for everyone, some find it can allow intrusive thoughts to dominate their mind, but for those it does it often proves extremely effective.
- Exercise. This shouldn’t be news to you, there’s plenty of people banging the drum but exercise can be a great outlet to burn off that anger, on a bag is even better! A bit of phys releases endorphins in the body, that good feeling you have once you’ve finished a hard session, they can even have an effect on physical pain and have been shown to have a similar effect as morphine! Making it a routine where you can, gives you a structure of regulating your emotions on a regular basis, in order to keep on top of them.
If this resonates with you right now, try some of the above and implement a change. Don’t try and master it all, but take what works and where you can, apply it. These are skills, nobody is perfect at them, they all take work and should forever be improved upon. Amongst all of this, don’t be too tough on yourself. We are only human and we are doing best we can, with what we have.
Own your anger, don’t let it own you.