War didn’t kill my soul. Society Did.

I’ll start by saying all of the below is opinion, albeit based on experience, but in no way am I an expert.  What I do hope however, is this text challenges your thoughts and provides a different narrative around how we can approach mental health.  Thanks for reading.

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Since returning from Afghanistan in 2012 I’ve found myself in an endless pursuit of trying to answer the question on why veterans miss war, even if the answer is only for myself.  I’ve read books, watched documentaries and listened to great speakers, but never felt entirely satisfied with the answers presented before me.  It never feels complete.

Over the past seven years I’ve met Veterans from all different service backgrounds suffering with their mental health, from acute PTSD to depression to anxiety.  Guys and girls triggered by sounds and smells, quite literally shackled in life by their past experiences.  Despite the memories they are haunted by, I am still yet to meet a Veteran who says they do not miss War and would never go again.  It is this propensity, that continues to fuel my ambition to answer why Veterans miss War.  The honest statement “I miss War” simply doesn’t compute with the very nature of being human, or does it?  It was a statement that I couldn’t help but view as fundamentally immoral.  How could I have been a part of something so horrific, seen the loss of life, witnessed the grief of friends, seen the ruin of civilian way of life, yet sit with beer in hand and a smile on my face and say “I miss War”.

In 2014 I pretty much stumbled across a Ted Talk by Sebastian Junger that provoked my thinking.  It stimulated me to dwell not only on the question of why Veterans miss War but why my view of it was so disapproving.  I already knew who Sebastian was, as a unit we’d watched the documentary “Restrepo” filmed by both him and the late Tim Hetherington, as part of our cultural learning in the build up to deployment.  What I didn’t know, was Sebastian had spent much of his life as a journalist covering war and conflict all over the world.  What struck me so profoundly from his Ted Talk, was his ability to describe the emotions and feelings of battle so deeply.  Without wanting to downplay Sebastian’s experiences or sound blasé, I couldn’t help feeling envious he had been a spectator throughout his career, but could describe such an intimate affair better than I could as a direct participant.  This ability to convey such intricate emotions in his talk, is what lead me to Sebastian’s books “War” and “Tribe”, which continued to enrich my response to the question I longed to answer.

On my travels I’ve found a number of key themes to answering this question, but for this blog I wanted to major on one.  Love.  You ask a Veteran why they miss War and the answer will vary, but they always offer familiar undertones.  They miss a brother or sisterhood, a sense of camaraderie, belonging to a collective, sharing a common mission, knowing someone has their back.  I can keep the list going for much longer, each one is different but also the same.  All of these statements have one common attribute, selflessness, arguably the purest form of love.  With this in mind, it begs the question are the mental health issues present in our warrior community today caused by the presence of negative memories?  Or are they actually the absence of a positive, that most aren’t fortunate enough to experience?  I can’t help feeling this is such an important dynamic and one we have to address quickly. The majority of therapies and treatments available today are focussing on trying to address a negative, forcing people to relive the moments they’d frankly rather forget.  Are we helping them get better?  Or are we simply making things worse?

Sure we might miss that spike of adrenaline, the presence of danger and contacts with the enemy, the fast air swooping overhead and Apaches unleashing flechette, but these are the quick thrills.  They put a smile on the moodiest of Infanteers face for a minute, but they are no rival for what happens deeper within our soul.  An insurmountable bond between brothers, the knowledge that they will quite literally crawl through fire for you when needed and even if you hate each other’s guts, you know they’d never leave you behind.  Outside of immediate family and those fortunate enough to be parents, I don’t think such deep and visceral sentiments exist in society today.  It is a level of mutual love for one another, that you probably don’t have with your friends, let alone your co-workers.

Post deployment, things go back to normal.  Post service, things go back to non-existent.  Imagine the most savage break up you’ve been through and how tough that was, now imagine that tenfold but without an understanding of what it is you’re even grieving for.  Meanwhile you’ve been part of a true society, seen what real community is about, the greater good came before you and now, you’ve been ripped from it.  On that basis, is it really so hard to understand why someone could miss War?

The macho macho among us will shrug it off, laugh at the thought and state they just enjoyed stacking bodies and piling up brass.  Sure, there’s some enjoyment to be had in despatching bad men and getting rounds down range, but if you’re really true to yourself, it pales into insignificance when compared to what really mattered.  At the end of the day, who doesn’t enjoy the feeling of being loved? Especially unconditionally.

All of this really reflects upon modern-day Society, not a military career.  How bad have things got when people feel better in a Warzone, where everything is quite literally trying to kill them, that they actually miss being at War?  Society today is so fragmented, so isolated and frankly selfish, that people no longer want to be here and I’m not just referring to just peacetime, I mean life as a whole.  At the same time we’ve got the “disgruntled Veteran” stereotype screaming that “society needs to do more to reintegrate it’s Veterans”.  Bullshit.  Society didn’t go to war, you did.  The Military teaches you to embrace adversity, face obstacles head on and ultimately come out the other side stronger.  Resilience is embodied in us, even if we feel we’ve lost it and it’s time to find it again.

Whether you agree or disagree with what’s been written in this piece, I want to leave you with two parting questions.  If you feel broken, what have you done to fix yourself?  If you feel isolated and alone, what have you done to find a new tribe? 

In war you’ve seen the worst that people can do, maybe at home you’ve seen the worst of yourself, it’s time to change that. 

- Schermuly

24 November 2019

-     Never Settle. Never Quit. Better Is A Never Ending Mission.     -

Schermuly has spent 12 years as an Infantry Soldier in the British Army, serving on Operation Herrick (Afghanistan) operating in Nad-E-Ali and Nahr-e-Saraj, Helmand Province.  Whilst not a published writer or mental health expert, he enjoys sharing his thoughts in a bid to challenge the current approach to Mental Fitness  and the narrative around Veterans.  He is also known to have a passion for para illum.